Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Would You Read On? hosted by Diana Flegal

It is time once again for another Would You Read on installment. Time is flying and soon it will be snow instead of the Fall leaves. Please leave your comments after reading this weeks First Page.


“Sir.”

Three men turned their heads in Brian’s direction, but not the fourth.

“Sir,” Brian said again. “I need to see your badge.”

This time, the man turned around. The others kept walking. Their need to clock in on time outweighed any curiosity they had.

“I’m sorry.” The man made a motion as if searching his pockets. “I know it’s here somewhere.”

Maybe you left it in the car.”

The man continued to search each pocket.

“No, I’m sure I didn’t.” The search of his pockets was fruitless.

Another couple of people arrived at the gate and Brian waved them through when he spotted their badges. Everyone had to have a badge.

“I know where it is,” the man said. “Can I go get it?”

“That might be a good idea,” Brian said, hopeful to have the situation resolved quickly.

The man turned and walked toward the entrance of the building.

“Wait, sir!” This time, Brian grabbed him by the arm. “I can’t let you go inside without a badge.”

“But you said I could go get it.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t say you could go inside.” Brian could feel the tug as the man kept moving closer to the entrance.

“I’ve got to go inside to get my badge. I left it in my desk.”

“I can’t let you do that sir,” Brian said. “You’ve got a couple of options here. You can either leave or you can show me your driver’s license so I can give you a temporary badge.”

“If you’ll let me go inside to get it, I’ll be right back out. It isn’t very far.”

“No, you can either leave or you can show me an id.”

“But it’s right inside the door. I’ll show you.”

“No, I can’t do that. I’ve got to stay here.”




Would you read on?



The Reveal: Last weeks author was Jean C. Gordon. Her title Small-Town Sweethearts is available for preorder now on
Amazon and is scheduled for release Dec. 20th, just in time for Christmas giving! Stop by Jean's website site for a visit.

Until next time! Edit edit edit!
Diana

12 comments:

Anne Love said...

Hmmm. Yes. I'd read on even though the dialogue at the end of the page is a little repetitive. I think the writer is trying to mount more tension in the repetitive dialogue at the end, what could he/she change to crank it up a notch? We do get the idea that "the man" is going to cause trouble, and I want to know what the trouble will be. Makes me think Homeland Security, FBI, CIA, or something intriguing.

It could be sharpened by a crit group though. "Another couple of people" phrase is too bland. And continuing to call him just "the man" is blah--I can't see him yet. Is he in uniform, is it just a little off, is he unfamiliar, old? young? clean cut? or not? etc.

I like the scene starting in the action and dialogue with a problem. But I don't know the stakes yet, and I'm hoping the stakes are more clear on the next page or by the end of the first chapter.

Writing Jo Lawler said...

I'd read on, with reservations. The dialog, while realistic, begins to drag. Break it up with a little scenery perhaps.

I want to know if this is ho-hum routine for Brian, or is his adrenaline starting to get going because of this guy?

It certainly gives some sense of intrigue.

Davalyn Spencer said...

Yes, I would read on, but I found myself wanting to see a little more, feel the beat with character movement that I sense is really there.

Sharon A. Lavy said...

Yes, the concept grabs my attention. Yes, it can use work, but many published novels could still use work.

Jeanette Levellie said...

Yes, I would. I'm very curious to know what happens next. I agree with the others--a little scenery and body language would help us feel the tension, but I've set aside published novels for worse writing than this. I think this story is a winner.

Kathy said...

If I were standing in a store, and this were the first page, I wouldn't buy the book. I'd move on. You need to hasten the pace. Also, I'm assuming this guy is trying to sneak in to do something illegal. He'd have to be a fool not to have a badge. There's no way I'd buy him as being a brilliant mastermind.

One way to play this out is to have Brian arguing with the guy at the gate, then a bomb goes off, an alarm sounds, something that shows he's allowed the bad guy in already. Misdirection is a great way to keep your readers on their toes.

Also, be careful about your hero. He needs to have a reason to be invovled. Just being a guard at the gate might not be enough.

Linda Glaz said...

While it piqued my interest, I agree with the others that by the end, it was no longer building tension. A guard, a good one, isn't going to stand there arguing with a security issue. This just makes me think a bit more research about how these situations are handled would have allowed the author to know exactly how the guard would have reacted. But it certainly started strong!

Katherine Hyde said...

This conversation is dragging on too long, dissipating any tension created by the situation. I would not read on.

Millie Samuelson said...

I'm with Katherine above on this one! Besides, I can already tell it's not my preferred kind of story. . .

Jenny said...

Nope. Although it peaked my interest, it was repetitive and if the very beginning of the story is repetitive, I can assume the whole thing is.

Darin said...

I'm afraid that my thoughts echo most of those already posted. I wish I had something more to offer. For my taste, I'd rather see and feel the dialogue as opposed to hearing it. My imagination isn't engaged yet.

Would I read on? Maybe, but not for much longer if we're still standing at this checkpoint.

Jennie Dugan said...

I would turn the page, but not sure I would read the whole chapter or book. It's possible the author is deliberately portraying the guard as a little inept, rather than the crisp, regimented style of the military police, for example. So I'm curious, but not yet compelled.