tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post2181476920379720650..comments2023-11-02T05:29:57.954-04:00Comments on From the Heart: Would You Read On? hosted by Diana FlegalAndy Scheer, Hartline Literaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09010440105558099014noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-9927513548151638382011-11-18T11:46:57.386-05:002011-11-18T11:46:57.386-05:00I would turn the page, but not sure I would read t...I would turn the page, but not sure I would read the whole chapter or book. It's possible the author is deliberately portraying the guard as a little inept, rather than the crisp, regimented style of the military police, for example. So I'm curious, but not yet compelled.Jennie Duganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01972460125007738717noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-36164766616282335902011-11-17T07:37:13.354-05:002011-11-17T07:37:13.354-05:00I'm afraid that my thoughts echo most of those...I'm afraid that my thoughts echo most of those already posted. I wish I had something more to offer. For my taste, I'd rather see and feel the dialogue as opposed to hearing it. My imagination isn't engaged yet.<br /><br />Would I read on? Maybe, but not for much longer if we're still standing at this checkpoint.Darinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16531992277334406097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-76922418937766535442011-11-16T22:17:04.168-05:002011-11-16T22:17:04.168-05:00Nope. Although it peaked my interest, it was repet...Nope. Although it peaked my interest, it was repetitive and if the very beginning of the story is repetitive, I can assume the whole thing is.Jennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14992753220912018154noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-47517304265964327562011-11-16T19:57:13.024-05:002011-11-16T19:57:13.024-05:00I'm with Katherine above on this one! Besides,...I'm with Katherine above on this one! Besides, I can already tell it's not my preferred kind of story. . .Millie Samuelsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00448444518496748872noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-90205828517899754062011-11-16T16:10:29.513-05:002011-11-16T16:10:29.513-05:00This conversation is dragging on too long, dissipa...This conversation is dragging on too long, dissipating any tension created by the situation. I would not read on.Katherine Hydehttp://kbhyde.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-57547972473065569172011-11-16T12:55:01.298-05:002011-11-16T12:55:01.298-05:00While it piqued my interest, I agree with the othe...While it piqued my interest, I agree with the others that by the end, it was no longer building tension. A guard, a good one, isn't going to stand there arguing with a security issue. This just makes me think a bit more research about how these situations are handled would have allowed the author to know exactly how the guard would have reacted. But it certainly started strong!Linda Glazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04374683352435771715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-74871632155579750762011-11-16T12:33:18.817-05:002011-11-16T12:33:18.817-05:00If I were standing in a store, and this were the f...If I were standing in a store, and this were the first page, I wouldn't buy the book. I'd move on. You need to hasten the pace. Also, I'm assuming this guy is trying to sneak in to do something illegal. He'd have to be a fool not to have a badge. There's no way I'd buy him as being a brilliant mastermind. <br /><br />One way to play this out is to have Brian arguing with the guy at the gate, then a bomb goes off, an alarm sounds, something that shows he's allowed the bad guy in already. Misdirection is a great way to keep your readers on their toes.<br /><br />Also, be careful about your hero. He needs to have a reason to be invovled. Just being a guard at the gate might not be enough.Kathyhttp://www.kathrynjbain.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-37817120046240156562011-11-16T12:16:51.995-05:002011-11-16T12:16:51.995-05:00Yes, I would. I'm very curious to know what ha...Yes, I would. I'm very curious to know what happens next. I agree with the others--a little scenery and body language would help us feel the tension, but I've set aside published novels for worse writing than this. I think this story is a winner.Jeanette Levelliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12898750484193832082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-24909456389338553642011-11-16T11:27:37.781-05:002011-11-16T11:27:37.781-05:00Yes, the concept grabs my attention. Yes, it can u...Yes, the concept grabs my attention. Yes, it can use work, but many published novels could still use work.Story and Logic Media Grouphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13317731231950753140noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-13796618131583601282011-11-16T10:28:35.536-05:002011-11-16T10:28:35.536-05:00Yes, I would read on, but I found myself wanting t...Yes, I would read on, but I found myself wanting to see a little more, feel the beat with character movement that I sense is really there.Davalyn Spencerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07790903623368896086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-65994642590314914652011-11-16T09:20:51.781-05:002011-11-16T09:20:51.781-05:00I'd read on, with reservations. The dialog, wh...I'd read on, with reservations. The dialog, while realistic, begins to drag. Break it up with a little scenery perhaps.<br /><br />I want to know if this is ho-hum routine for Brian, or is his adrenaline starting to get going because of this guy?<br /><br />It certainly gives some sense of intrigue.Writing Jo Lawlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14756647013419693381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-73969790530460065992011-11-16T07:51:17.622-05:002011-11-16T07:51:17.622-05:00Hmmm. Yes. I'd read on even though the dialogu...Hmmm. Yes. I'd read on even though the dialogue at the end of the page is a little repetitive. I think the writer is trying to mount more tension in the repetitive dialogue at the end, what could he/she change to crank it up a notch? We do get the idea that "the man" is going to cause trouble, and I want to know what the trouble will be. Makes me think Homeland Security, FBI, CIA, or something intriguing. <br /><br />It could be sharpened by a crit group though. "Another couple of people" phrase is too bland. And continuing to call him just "the man" is blah--I can't see him yet. Is he in uniform, is it just a little off, is he unfamiliar, old? young? clean cut? or not? etc.<br /><br />I like the scene starting in the action and dialogue with a problem. But I don't know the stakes yet, and I'm hoping the stakes are more clear on the next page or by the end of the first chapter.Anne Lovehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10164218328146605384noreply@blogger.com