Genre: Suspense
“Ahhhh!” Mahayla Harrison’s piercing scream
echoed across the snow-covered mountainside.
The
earth-shattering force of the explosion sent Mahayla hurtling backward through
the air. Pieces of jagged rock and burning timber seared and sliced through her
skin. Red-hot embers, shattered glass and twisted metal rained down around her
battered and bruised body.
Prying
her eyes open, Mahayla saw stars and discovered nail-biting pain coursing
through her body. Lungs burning, she tried to gasp for air, but her broken ribs
wouldn’t allow more than a shallow breath. The distinct taste of iron grew in
her mouth.
Through
the cloud and confusion of pain, her mind worked its way back to clarity and to
the reality of the situation. Not good. Whoever had penned the phrase
“ignorance is bliss” had obviously seen this coming…reality bites.
Moaning,
“No…Lori…”
Pushing
with her elbow, Mahayla tried to sit up, but her body wasn’t cooperating. A
throbbing sensation in her shoulder and below her ribs grew with intensity. With
each breath, ribs popped and grated across each other. Collapsing, she lifted
trembling fingers and slid them across her body. Blood saturated her parka.
Jagged pieces of wood protruded from her skin.
Fear
wrapped its way around her heart. She was losing too much blood. Stinging tears
tumbled from her eyes, burning like acid against her chilled skin.
Memories
flashed and questions flooded her mind. Her best friend Lori had been in the
cabin before it blew…tied to a bed, bloody and covered in …roses What type of
monster could have cut her and then covered her with roses?
Would you read on?
We want to thank last weeks contributing author, Dora Hires. You can find out more about Dora at these links.
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11 comments:
Not if this is all I've got to get me started. As I read this, the gore overwhelmed the story to the point that I couldn't find the story. While I suppose there is nothing technically wrong with beginning a book with a scene like this, I need time to get an understanding of what's going on before people get splattered across a mountain side.
Yes I'd read on! I love a story that starts with exciting action. I expect every thing to be explained as I read further. I want to know why Lori was tortured and by whom. Why is Mahayla under attack? Does she survive? Will she save Lori? Looks like a good read!
No. The descriptions are off-putting for me. I can't imagine hearing echoes during a chaotic explosion. There's too much author intrusion for my taste. Mahayla would know she couldn't breathe deeply, but not likely she'd know at this point that her ribs are broken.
Sorry.
I would continue reading.
I'm afraid not.
There is a lot of potential in this opening--conflict, for sure. And a character who loves her best friend. And who is in danger. All great stuff.
But the opening feels like it's trying too hard and it's wearing me out.
Opening with such a dramatic scene is hard to pull off. Since I don't know the character, I don't care too much if she dies. And it's hard to get to know a character with this much action going on. Cutting out the adverbs, adjectives, and redundancies would make this opening easier for me to read.
Here's an example:
~~~~~~~~~~
The force of the explosion sent Mahayla hurtling through the air. Pieces of jagged rock sliced her skin. Red-hot embers, shattered glass and twisted metal rained down around her.
~~~~~~~~~~
I think that reads more easily without leaving out any vital details.
This writer is good, and should keep going, though. Read Noah Lukeman's THE FIRST FIVE PAGES, make some cuts so the modifiers aren't detracting from the story, and keep going. Sounds like it's a rip-roaring tale.
I agree w/a lot of the comments above and Sally's advice was good. It has a good premise w/lots of potential. I'd love to read more after it's cleaned up a bit. And in a suspense the beginning whets your appetite but doesn't feel in all the blanks. :)
I can appreciate opening with action, but this is a little too graphic for me. Suggests much more to come that I don't want to imprint on my mind.
I would. It was a little heavy on the adjectives and adverbs; descriptors tend to slow action, but I was definitely engaged. The woman's name was a distraction too--figuring out how to pronounce it slowed me as well. But i still wanted to move forward to find out what would happen. And as for previous comments about the gore...what gore? have you ever been to a movie?
Alot of action which paints a very vivid picture. Yes, I would read further. Readers need to see that G-d is able to reach people no matter how dark the situation.
I feel the books strong opening is great for this type of story.. Its suspenceful, jaw clinching, and very detailed. You have no clue who this ladies character is nor her friends, yet you are into the story line and are wanting to know why this crazy violence is happening. You want to know who is responsible for such darkness and whats to come. I cannot wait to read on!!!! -Destiny
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