Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Would You Read On hosted by Diana Flegal


Thank you for stopping by our blog today for Would You Read On? Today's submission is the First Page of a Speculative, Christian fiction. Please let us know if YOU would read on in the comment section below.

“Get behind that stone!” Kalo barked as they ran under a twisted root structure.
Risma wedged her body between the speckled graystone and the root-covered wall.
Kalo pressed himself against the opposite side of the same stone. He thanked the Alpha-Omega for their dark fur which blended with the shadows of the diffused light. They could be easily mistaken for the shadows. “Ris—Ris! Help me roll this stone forward. Maybe we can get behind it better,” he whispered as loudly as he dared and braced his back against the boney roots. Kalo and Risma pushed the stone with all their strength, but it wouldn’t budge.
“What about that…” She swallowed, “person the dragon dropped?” Risma whispered.
“I—I don’t know, Ris.” It looked like Charlie Whitetail. But he didn’t want to tell her. She was scared enough.
“Did the dragon…attack our village?” She asked. The words caught in her throat like a hiccup.
“I don’t know. Shhhh!” He wanted to reassure her, but he couldn’t lie either.
The root structure shook as the shrieking females fought furiously above them;one a dragon, the other a giant grackle. In the quaking silence, Risma whimpered. Kalo’s heart ached as he smelled her fear. He understood her fear—he fought it too. Scratching claws came into view and vanished. Heavy bodies slammed into the structure shaking it violently. Kalo blinked and covered his face as dirt fell through the gaps in the roots. He stifled the cough that fought to erupt.
Kalo strained to check on his daughter. There was nothing he could do for her now… except—Kalo pursed his lips, closed his eyes,and focused his thoughts. I can do this! He visualized the center of the white light deep in his mind and pushed the light out toward his daughter. Gradually he sensed the beam of light elongating.  Longer and longer, the beam reached out through the stone—over to Risma. Shocked, he drew back. He sensed two beings.

Last weeks entry was submitted by Humorist Jeanette Levellie.  Jen is an author, editor, vocalist and popular speaker. Her recent book release Two Scoops of Grace with Chuckles on Top was published by Lighthouse Publishers of the Carolinas. You can connect with Jen on FB or visit her website, www.jeanettelevellie.com.

9 comments:

Timothy Fish said...

No, I don't think so. I think this scene work later in the story, but not as a first page. I’m having trouble getting my bearings with this page. I don’t know who these people are, why I should care, or where they are at. Also, I’m having a little trouble seeing a grackle as much of a foe for a dragon.

Aaron DeMott said...

I'd read more. I love non-human perspectives.

Caroline said...

Yes, I'd read on even tho I'm not a big spec-fic fan. I think it needs some work, but could easily enough be done. I'd have to read more to know whether it needs to be somewhere else in the story. And again, with a little work, it could play out very well as a first page.

Heather Day Gilbert said...

"Get behind that stone" and "twisted-root structure" don't sound like natural dialogue to me...more like the author is trying to explain to us what things look like. I'd say to work a little harder on making it sound like what the character would say or think. I do like Spec fic, and the concept seems cool, but I'd work on making things like "stifled the cough that fought to erupt" sound simpler and smoother.

Jeanette Levellie said...

Yes, I would. I'm interested to see what happens to this man and his daughter, and why he senses two beings--that'a a great cliffhanger! The only thing I'd change is to establish that she's his daughter early on. I thought they were friends of the same age.

I like this story!

sally apokedak said...

I'm not sure I'd read on. I like the story and the writing is very good, I think, but I am a little confused by the scene. The females are shrieking, but the dogs or bunnies or whatever they are are in quaking silence. The two are behind a rock, but they can't see each other.

I was surprised to find that one creature was way older than the other. I'd pictured them as both young bunnies. So I found this page to be a little confusing. I'd keep reading a couple more pages to see if the confusion cleared up, probably.

I'm wondering what kind of bird creatures so small would consider to be a dragon. I'm curious about that. Is there really a dragon or is it just a bird?

Cheryl said...

I wouldn't read on because I'm confused about what is going on and how it is happening. I need a bit more clarity first. Then I might become engaged.

A New Kind of Literary Critic... said...

Well, I can tell that this is a clip from within a book or short story. It seems very interesting, but definitely will only attract the very young readers. My guess would be that this book would be best marketed to children between the ages of eight and thirteen. I don't think I would continue reading it, but only because I feel that it is just too young for my personal tastes. However, that is not to say that it isn't a good read.
Respectfully,
Joy Johnson
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/JoyJohnson

Katherine Hyde said...

I need more grounding. I need to know who these creatures are, what kind of creatures they are, and especially I need to know that Risma is Kalo's daughter from the beginning--I assumed they were peers, perhaps romantically involved. Throwing the reader directly into action like this can be more disorienting than engaging.