Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Would You Read On? hosted by Diana Flegal

We are glad you stopped by to review and comment on today's First Page.

Today's submission is a YA Fantasy.

            Ophidian paced, his black form shadowing the golden gates. He could see portions of the Garden, a place he knew so well and still desired to enter, but this time he wanted to rule. His wings pressed tightly against his back and hid under his cloak. He glared at the two beings dressed in white, their wings stretched out to full form. They did so to intimidate him. It worked, but he was determined. Their wings glowed, outlining them in a golden hue. Their mouths opened and praises floated from their lips.
He’d sung those same words once, but now they only made him cringe and his insides churn. The Creator was near.
"What is it you want, Ophidian?" The voice came from just beyond the gates. A sudden brightness forced his eyes to the ground.
"I want your creation."
"It is not yours to have."
"You believe so strongly in what you've made and yet they deny you. They worship other gods. They mock you and curse your name. When will you learn and give up on them?"
"Then I want Paragon." He tried to make his voice sound bold. He could never be The Creator's equal and envy burned like fire inside of him. One he could never extinguish.
"Your arrogance has always been your downfall. I know My creation. And I don’t need them to defend Paragon."

Would YOU you read on? Let us know.
We are open to submissions of your first page. Be bold, be courageous and send Diana what you have. Please place First Page Submission in the subject line.


Davalyn Spencer said...

If I were a reader of YA fantasy I would definitely read on. The hook is strong.

Anonymous said...

I think that enough curiosity could be raised by this opening to encourage a YA fantasy reader you keep reading. Typically I'm not in that camp, but I might read more just to see how the author develops the story. Tina Hunt

Anonymous said...

This appears to be a retelling of the first chapter of Job. I didn't grab me. I like the descriptions of the characters though.

Carole Lehr Johnson said...

This opening is strong. It captures my attention enough to want to see what happens next.

Jeanette Levellie said...

If I was a Young Adult, I think I might, although it's darker than I prefer. It does pique my curiosity!

Timothy Fish said...

I can't identify with these characters. Perhaps that is why God didn't give us more details about the fall of Satan. When I read fantasy, I want to be placed in a situation where I can imagine that I doing what the character is doing or I am a friend of the character who is helping in some way. These characters are too far beyond our comprehension for us to make a good story.

jill said...

I can feel what the main character feels and wants; I can see the scene well though the terse description; and I know the conflict. Sounds like an opening to me.

Sandra Ardoin said...

Yes, I would read on. It does sound the like beginning of Job, but since this is a prologue, I'm thinking Chapter One will be from Paragon's POV. I want to know more about that character and how the author will keep the story from being a complete repeat of Job.

Becky Doughty said...

This is tough. The writing is great - I feel like I'm grasping the internal struggle of the MC. The premise, however, for a YA, may be too far-fetched. For this reason, I think the MC is hard to identify with, and I wonder if the writer will be able to hold a YA reader's attention. Since this is a prologue, perhaps the MC changes? So far, I don't see any young adults... something absolutely necessary in a YA novel.

Would I read on? Yes, but I'm an adult, and no longer that young. I love Screwtape Letters, and I thoroughly enjoyed Randy Alcorn's Lord Foulgrin's Letters. This feels a little like those books.


Sharon A. Lavy said...

The writing is strong, but this is too dark for me. At least today.

Heather Day Gilbert said...

I think it's definitely interesting, though the "Ophidian" sounds a lot like "Obsidian"--and there may be a YA series with that title character already?

Jessie Brendle said...

I just found your site and hope it is okay for me to post. I think it will have to be vivid to pull off a re-tell of Satan. I felt that the evil one must feel something more pierce through or compel him when he spoke, perhaps exultation and maybe even the desperate fatality of challenging His Maker.
The angels open mouths sounded like silent singing to me. Maybe he could cover his ears as they get louder? (Or not.)
I think prideful Ophidian would not just say "they worship other gods"...He would say, "They listen to ME and bow to/worship ME (through their idols). I am their god! I lure them into my snares and destroy them" or "my snares are full of wrecks of your image) You cannot save those I have taken/in my hand... (or something like that.)
Perhaps he would use this idea of being a hunter of men as to why he felt the right to Paragon. "You have no right to protect Paragon from me/my might/my cunning"
He would know Adam had forfeited his place and humans are in his kingdom of darkness).
At first I thought Paragon might be the City but now I assume it is Job due to the other commenter.
I think this could be an interesting story if it is written carefully...You can ignore my opinions. All the best to you!