An Inspirational Women's Fiction title:
Prologue
The
moonlight pried its way between the slats of the blinds, slashing the bed
covers to ribbons across their bodies. Nora tentatively drew her legs up,
curling into herself, her back to the sleeping man beside her. Please don't
wake up, oh please, oh please. She held her breath, afraid that even the
tiniest exhalation would stir the air between them, reminding him of her
presence.
Why was
she here, she asked herself for the thousandth time. Why did she keep coming
back when she knew it would just mean more pain, more heartache? What was it
that kept drawing her back to him, to his arms, to his bed?
Like
a druggie to the needle, like a drunk to the bottle, like a moth to the flame,
like a fly to the web, like a.... The taunting voice inside her head
paused, running out of stupid clichés to which she could compare herself. Why
am I here? Oh God, where are you? A hot tear spilled from the corner of her
eye, running down her temple and into her ear, where it pooled and tickled. She
didn't wipe it away; all she needed now was for him to wake up and discover her
crying.
Her low
back ached from the pressure in her bladder, and she knew she couldn't hold it
much longer. Sliding her feet from between the covers, she pushed herself up
into a sitting position. She waited, afraid to turn and look at him, to see his
eyes half open, watching her, his hands reaching for her.
But he
didn't stir. She stood and took a step away from the bed.
The
floor creaked and she froze.
“Mmpph.” He rolled onto his side and flung out
his arm. It landed on her pillow, and his hand curled around the soft edges,
pulling it toward him. She turned and fled the room.
Standing
at the sink a few minutes later, she dropped her chin to her chest, and covered
her face with both hands. Her tears began to fall in earnest. What was she
going to do? How was she going to get out of this? Where would she go? Where could
she go?
Tap-tap-tap!
The punctuated rap of knuckles on the door startled her, and she let out a
frightened squeak.
Lat weeks contributing author was: Lara Van Hulzen. This title of Lara's is under review by a publisher at this time. We wish Lara success. Please stop by and visit Lara at
7 comments:
No, the character comes across as very stupid. She chose to be there but now she's afraid of a sleeping man? How does that make sense?
Although I'm not a regular reader of women's fiction, I do believe that, yes, this beginning is strong enough to make a reader wonder what's going on here and turn the page.
One suggestion: Although I like the phrasing of the moonlight prying between the slats in the blinds, that is a 3rd person objective POV, and the POV shifts quickly from outside of the heroine to inside her head. Maybe have her open her eyes and have to squint as the moonlight sneaks between the slats to stab her right in the eyes? (Just a thought)
Wow. Yes, I would. It makes perfect sense that a woman would make a foolish choice, just as a drunk goes back the bottle, as she said, then be terrified of the man sleeping beside her. Being involved with women who work at a shelter, and speaking often about trafficking victims, this seems very realistic to me. And I like the author's way of keeping tension. I want to know how the woman got into this terrible life, and if she will have the courage to get out. Good job.
Posted for responder:
I’ve been having a hard time getting my comments to your blog to go through. I wonder if the site spam filter has somehow flagged my email as undesirable. I’ve tried for the last several weeks, sometimes three times, to post a comment. Initially it says the comment is saved, but later when I refresh the post, it does not show up. The same thing happened again today. So in case my second effort doesn’t go through, here is what I said:
I feel for this woman and understand her. I would keep reading, though I'd want to see her become active and not stay in this stare of misery for long.
I thought the first sentence was overburdened with description and needs work. I was also confused about her relationship with the guy. Early on there were lines that made me think she was sleeping with him, possibly having an affair. But later when she doesn't know where she'd go it sounds as if she's living with him. I don't have to know which it is this early in the story, but I don't think there should be conflicting suggestions.
Becky
I might add on the above post if there is a spam filter or something that will block it I don't know what it is or what I could do about it
Yes, I would definitely read on. I like the way we're thrown directly into the MC's head. Even though it's third person, it reads like first.
I'm very curious to know who this woman is with and why it's so hard for her. I find this scenario very believable somehow, right down to the rapping of knuckles on the door.
I didn't like the word "slashing" and was a little confused as to why the woman would willingly keep coming to a man of whom she seemed afraid. However, the piece flowed well. The action, such as the floor creaking, hand pulling the pillow, and knuckles rapping would have kept me reading to find out what happened to her.
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