Please let us know if you would read on by leaving a critique in the comments below.
And check out the reveal of last weeks author at the bottom of the page :-)
*****
Trumpet blasts resounded across the bustling city
square. A huge knight, donned in full armour, stood on the wooden stage
that had been erected especially for this momentous occasion. Thousands still
flocked slowly into the ancient, crumbling walls of the historic city of
Erundel, as they awaited the arrival of Treanthor, their admired emperor. His
yearly visit had been long anticipated.
As crowds pressed forward to catch a better view of
the knight, the warm air became rich with the smell of bodies clothed in thick
woven cotton and leather, mingled with the scent of ale, horses and various
potions, which were being hawked by traders at the entrance to the gates. Wafts
of smoke from stallholders cooking chickens on spits blended in to create a unique
aroma that was unusual to newcomers to the city.
Young children waved flags enthusiastically and
joined as everyone began to chant Tre-an-thor! Tre-an-thor! Tre-an-thor!
Several boys climbed the willow trees that lined the furthest side of the quad,
waving to those below, while some older ones pointed their prized ska-swords
into the air, showing off the gleaming light and sound feature on their
xanth-powered gadgets.
Rumours had circulated that one day, xanth
would be able to power electricity once again in people’s homes – perhaps a
return to the way of life before the Great Catastrophe of 2025. Treanthor
always declared that he was working towards it – but insisted that it would
take time and, for now, the people should be content with all that he had
already achieved for them.
Today would mark the beginning of a new era.
That was the message that had been sent out into all the towns and villages.
Those who came to Erundel would be the first to witness his latest,
marvelous invention; something far greater than ska swords or glow toys or
magic tricks.
Ree-Mya, a young mother with long, dark hair, stood among the throngs of people, one of the last few to be let into the square before the mammoth gates were locked shut by guards.
Ree-Mya, a young mother with long, dark hair, stood among the throngs of people, one of the last few to be let into the square before the mammoth gates were locked shut by guards.
Last weeks contributing author was Eddie Jones.
5 comments:
Hmm. On the one hand I can tell the author has put thought into her future world, but on the other hand this sample scene reminds me of fruit that is developing, but not quite ready for consumption. May I offer the author a couple constructive suggestions?
"donned in full armour"--Consider changing "donned" to "clad." The verb "to don" refers to the action of putting on. I've never seen it stretched to convey "already on."
Also, opportunities to heighten interest with better descriptions are slipping away. For instance, the huge knight. Is he 6 foot tall, or 8 foot tall? Taller? A bit vague. Instead you might say something like, "Onto a wooden platform clanked an armour-clad giant of a man. Surely the heads of the tallest men in the crowd would rise no higher than his steel breastplate." (Or something else to portray the word "huge.") :)
Of course, it's your story, but this is how it struck me.
It seems very impersonal to me. I would be more likely to read it if the focus were tightened on to one person or a group of friends who are experiencing the event. There is way too much telling going on. I want to experience it.
YES. I would read on. Love the dystopian, no-power aspect. This book has some serious potential, I'd say. It might be nice to get into the MC's head a little earlier, but this is very well-written. Hope this gets picked up.
My thoughts as a mom, the sentences are a bit long for this age, and there's a lot of larger words strung together. I wonder if middle-grade readers would continue, especially today's kids with texting and other "bite-sized" chunks of writing they are accustomed to.
I think this beginning would draw the reader in more readily if told through the eyes of Ree-Mya. Let the sound of the trumpet blasts reach her ears as she hurries to get to Ernudel before the mammoth gates close. Let her glimpse the huge knight and describe him through her eyes Let her experience the stench of warm bodies, mixed with the tangy smell of ale and the tantalizing aroma of chickens frying. Let us see through internal thought what the restoration of electricity in peoples’ homes would mean to her.
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