Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Would You Read on? hosted by Diana Flegal

Thank you for stopping by. Today's first page submission is a upper middle grade fantasy adventure. :-)

Please let us know if you would read on by leaving a critique in the comments below.
And check out the reveal of last weeks author at the bottom of the page :-)


Trumpet blasts resounded across the bustling city square.  A huge knight, donned in full armour, stood on the wooden stage that had been erected especially for this momentous occasion. Thousands still flocked slowly into the ancient, crumbling walls of the historic city of Erundel, as they awaited the arrival of Treanthor, their admired emperor. His yearly visit had been long anticipated.
  As crowds pressed forward to catch a better view of the knight, the warm air became rich with the smell of bodies clothed in thick woven cotton and leather, mingled with the scent of ale, horses and various potions, which were being hawked by traders at the entrance to the gates. Wafts of smoke from stallholders cooking chickens on spits blended in to create a unique aroma that was unusual to newcomers to the city.
   Young children waved flags enthusiastically and joined as everyone began to chant Tre-an-thor! Tre-an-thor! Tre-an-thor! Several boys climbed the willow trees that lined the furthest side of the quad, waving to those below, while some older ones pointed their prized ska-swords into the air, showing off the gleaming light and sound feature on their xanth-powered gadgets.
    Rumours had circulated that one day, xanth would be able to power electricity once again in people’s homes – perhaps a return to the way of life before the Great Catastrophe of 2025. Treanthor always declared that he was working towards it – but insisted that it would take time and, for now, the people should be content with all that he had already achieved for them. 
    Today would mark the beginning of a new era. That was the message that had been sent out into all the towns and villages. Those who came to Erundel would be the first to witness his latest, marvelous invention; something far greater than ska swords or glow toys or magic tricks.
    Ree-Mya, a young mother with long, dark hair, stood among the throngs of people, one of the last few to be let into the square before the mammoth gates were locked shut by guards.
Would you read on?

Last weeks contributing author was Eddie Jones.

Eddie is a North Carolina-based writer and Acquisition Editor for Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas. He is a three-time winner of the Delaware Writers Conference and his young adult novel, The Curse of Captain LaFoote, won the 2012 Moonbeam Award and 2011 Selah Award. He co-writes the He Said, She Said devotions, available at

Dead Man’s Hand, the first book in the Caden Chronicles mystery series, released from Zonderkidz in November, 2012.

Eddie’s new devotional book, My Father’s Business, features Biblical insights and practical applications for those seeking God's "yearning" (will) for their life. A great book for anyone who longs for more than mere "work."

You can visit with Eddie at .


Rick Barry said...

Hmm. On the one hand I can tell the author has put thought into her future world, but on the other hand this sample scene reminds me of fruit that is developing, but not quite ready for consumption. May I offer the author a couple constructive suggestions?

"donned in full armour"--Consider changing "donned" to "clad." The verb "to don" refers to the action of putting on. I've never seen it stretched to convey "already on."

Also, opportunities to heighten interest with better descriptions are slipping away. For instance, the huge knight. Is he 6 foot tall, or 8 foot tall? Taller? A bit vague. Instead you might say something like, "Onto a wooden platform clanked an armour-clad giant of a man. Surely the heads of the tallest men in the crowd would rise no higher than his steel breastplate." (Or something else to portray the word "huge.") :)

Of course, it's your story, but this is how it struck me.

Timothy Fish said...

It seems very impersonal to me. I would be more likely to read it if the focus were tightened on to one person or a group of friends who are experiencing the event. There is way too much telling going on. I want to experience it.

Heather Day Gilbert said...

YES. I would read on. Love the dystopian, no-power aspect. This book has some serious potential, I'd say. It might be nice to get into the MC's head a little earlier, but this is very well-written. Hope this gets picked up.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts as a mom, the sentences are a bit long for this age, and there's a lot of larger words strung together. I wonder if middle-grade readers would continue, especially today's kids with texting and other "bite-sized" chunks of writing they are accustomed to.

Patti Shene, Executive Editor, Starsongs Magazine said...

I think this beginning would draw the reader in more readily if told through the eyes of Ree-Mya. Let the sound of the trumpet blasts reach her ears as she hurries to get to Ernudel before the mammoth gates close. Let her glimpse the huge knight and describe him through her eyes Let her experience the stench of warm bodies, mixed with the tangy smell of ale and the tantalizing aroma of chickens frying. Let us see through internal thought what the restoration of electricity in peoples’ homes would mean to her.