Thank you for stopping by for today's installment of Would You Read On?. We look forward to your comments.
Chapter One
He sent the new girl in to fire me. Phoebe Waverly vamped in on those stilts she calls stilettos with a cardboard box in hand.
“Mr. Graham asked me to inform you that you are terminated, immediately.” Her attempt at a professional voice only made her sound more southern, one word leaning on another like dominoes toppling toward a period. “This box is for your things, Miss Brown. I’ll take that office key if you please.”
The heat rose on my face and I knew it was red. I decided not to acknowledge her, picked up my purse and headed for Darryl’s office. Miss blonde, fancy shmancy, high-heeled, manicured former Miss Texas tried to steal my job, looks like she succeeded.
My hand shook as I reached for the knob, stopped, squared my shoulders, straightened my navy business suit, took a deep breath and pushed open Darryl Graham’s office door.
Coward, he wasn’t there.
Last weeks contributor of a First Page was Clarice G. James. You can learn more about Clarice at the following links. http://www.claricejames.com Mug Shots Blog by Clarice James
13 comments:
Very nicely done. You had me at the first sentence.
Oh, yes, I would read on!
The only thing I'd change is to have "Her attempt at a professional voice only made her sound more southern, one word leaning on another like dominoes toppling toward a period" before the dialogue. This way the reader has a sense of how Miss Schmancy Pants sounds while they read her words. Otherwise, they find themselves going back over the dialogue and re-reading it, which slows down the pace.
Otherwise, brilliant!
Yep. Immediately I want to know what happened! Great first sentence.
Yes, I would read on. But I'm a little confused as to whether former "Miss Texas" is the same woman as the one who did the firing. Also loved the first sentence.
Yes, I'd read on. I agree with Jeanette on reordering and I'd edit the end of paragraph three. ". . . tried to steal my job. Looks like she succeeded."
Already sounds like an entertaining read.
I would read on for sure! Quick pace and love your witty wording. I, too, wondered if the former Miss Texas was the same person who was firing Miss Brown, but I figured it out. After all she did to muster her courage to go to Graham's office, the last line was a good twist. Good stuff!
Absolutely. Give me more.
Yep - my kind of read!
Loved that opening! Why not read on? Well done...
Oh, yes. Love the voice. And this image: "one word leaning on another like dominoes toppling toward a period" absolutely captivated me.
Fabulous. Love the tension it relays, and how though you don't know much about the narrator you can guess she is nothing like the woman doing the firing.
Definitely would read on.
Gives a whole new meaning to the domino effect. I liked it!
Yes, it's a catchy opening. It got me curious about what was going on.
I agree with the other comments. I was also a bit confused by the second to last graph about her hand shaking as she reached for the knob. When she says "stopped," is she talking about her hand or about her forward movement?
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