Welcome to First Page Wednesday. This is a fun way to get 'over the hump' in our week and learn a thing or two in the process.
Please let us know if you would read on in the comment section below:
Scottish Highlands
July, 1599
“Will you stand there all day, Ronan?” she teased, flipping her long red tail of hair behind her shoulder. “Or will you fight me?”
Triona McAllister, the only daughter of Laird Douglas McAllister, and the most stunningly perfect creature that ever lived, faced Ronan over her little silver dagger. It was bad enough this had been his idea, but did he have to freeze up now that he had her there, in the garden, awaiting her daily lesson?
Ronan didn’t always loose his wits before her, tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth like a callow lad. He was a full score, for pities sake; and McAllister Clan Champion. But today was different.
“Are you ill?” Triona questioned. Her heavy lashes narrowed over moss green eyes.
“Nay,” Ronan managed, strangled.
She stepped up to him in her plum gown and bare feet, her boots having been discarded under a rose bush as if they annoyed her. Creamy lace peeked from under a bodice that curved gently across the middle of her breastbone.
Triona’s head came to his shoulder, and she rose up on the balls of her dirty feet to reach his forehead. She fingered his long hair away, placing her free hand over his skin. Ronan brushed her aside. He hated being coddled.
“I am not feverish,” he retorted.
“Hmm . . .” She cocked her head to one side and pursed her lips. “Perhaps you dinna want to do this today, Ronan of the Raven Locks?” Triona used her favorite nick name for him.
“’Tis not that,” he grouched. Sakes, not that. Her lessons meant he had her undivided attention. It was the best part of his day.
Ronan reached for her arm with a calloused, sword-scarred hand, then pulled away again. “There is something I need to tell you,” he said seriously.
Triona’s full lips turned down into a scowl too fierce for such a pretty face. She sheathed her dagger with a flourish and crossed her arms over her ribcage. “What?”
Ronan took a deep breath. She was going to make this difficult for him. Of course she was.
Last weeks First page for children of the age 7-11 was shared by brave author Diane Estrella. You can find out more about Diane and her writing at www.dianeestrella.com
Thank you for joining us today. We appreciate your comments.
11 comments:
No, I would not. This passage seems like a jumbled mess of I don't know what. It looks like it is going to start with dialog, but after one paragraph it goes in to description. Then we think the guy might be ill, followed by more description. Then I get the impression that Triona is sexually harassing the poor guy. At this point, I've reached my limit, so no, I wouldn't read on.
I thought it was kind of fun, although it needs to be cleaned up from a writing stand point--spelling, dialogue tags, etc. The "long red tail of hair" and "the most stunningly perfect creature that ever lived" really pushed it toward trite and cliche. Parts like that need to be toned down. But Triona's character intrigued me.
I'm in the middle of reading Highland Sanctuary, so I guess I'm in a Scottish mood. :-)
I like the writing style, but I thought it was an adult romance! Lace peeking from the slightly curving bodice doesn't sound like something for 7-11 year olds. It truly sounds more like an adult (yet playful) woman.
Astounding dialogue tags. But near the bottom of the page the author let a plain, vanilla "said" slip in, he grouched.
“Andy, I about spit out my coffee on that one,” he sputtered.
Diana I love the picture of you surrounded by books. I want a picture like that. If I can ever get one of my book areas to look nice like that one. Maybe I should have husband take a picture of me at the public library. Lol.
Now would I read on? I don't usually read fantasy, which this sounds like. But I did get a kick of of this one.
And I don't finish every book I pick up. But I would turn the page. What is he going to confess? And what kind of hot water will it get him in?
Yes, I would. It needs some editing, but I like the story and setting. I'd lose the dialogue tags, though. They slow the action down.
I love this series!
I hate to be picky, but I can't help it. (It's a gift—and a curse.) I saw several misspellings and a historical improbability (lace was extremely expensive in 1599 and would not be worn for a casual occasion like this). Therefore I do not have confidence in this author and would not read on.
Sharon;
That picture was taken in one of my favorite bookstores here in Asheville, NC.
When I go in I never want to leave the comfy couches.They even allow dogs. It is a very cool place.
I would read on, even though I had to go back a couple of times to figure out the POV character.
Just wanted to thank Diana for the shout out last week and all the great crits on my work. Hugs all! :O)
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