Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Would You Read On? hosted by Diana Flegal

It is time for First Pages, Would You Read On? Let us know what you think of today's courageous writers first page. This is written for the 7 - 11 year old reader, so please keep that market in mind as you read.

Chapter 1

“But why can’t we go, too?” Madeline whined.

Madeline Anastasia Theodora Star, or as she liked to be called Mat, and her younger brother, Danny, wanted to go along on the missionary trip with their parents, however, they both knew they couldn’t go.

“You know we’re going away for three months this time,” Mom said. “Next time, when we go on a shorter trip, you two can tag along.”

“You kids will be going on your own exciting adventure,” chimed in Dad. “You guys are going to Grandma Theodora’s house for the summer.”

Madeline was named after both of her grandmothers: Anastasia and Theodora. They had not seen Grandma Theo since Mat was four and Danny three. Now, Mat was 10 and Danny was 9 and they thought that staying at their Grandmother’s house all summer would be totally lame.

“But Dad, there’s probably nothing to do there and we’ll be bored.” Mat stated.

“Yeah,” Danny agreed, “Staying with someone old all summer is no fun.”

“Danny,” Dad scolded, “She’s your grandmother and we are all a family that loves each other. Besides, Grandma Theo can’t wait to see you guys. She’s been telling all her friends about you.”

Oh great, Mat thought. Pinched cheeks and gray-haired people telling you old-time stories all the time was not her idea of fun. This was sounding worse and worse by the minute.

“We leave in two days, so pack your bags for the beautiful town of Turtle Creek in upstate New York!”

“Ugh!” Mat and Danny both agreed- this was going to be their worst summer ever!

Last weeks First Page submission was from published author Eddie Jones. Just one of his WIP's in progress. Congrats go out to Eddie on his recent sale, a 3 book Middle Reader Mystery series sold to Zonderkidz's. If you are the parent or grandparent of a child this age, be sure to check out Eddies books. They offer a fun read to children of all ages. :-)

He appreciates your comments and suggestions, many of which were posted on FB under Diana's post of this page.


Timothy Fish said...

No, I would not.

Part of the problem is that this is so much of an information dump.

The other thing is that I have the feeling that there's nowhere the author can go with this. It's like they're sitting around talking about doing something, but they aren't actually doing anything. Get to the action already.

Sharon A. Lavy said...

This is not quite ready. I already like the characters, but I found myself wanting to critique the lines that should be moved around etc.

Sarah Thomas said...

I'm with Sharon. It's got potential, but needs some polishing. The second sentence, for example, should probably be two if not three sentences. I do love the Grandma's names, though! And as I channel my inner 10-year-old, I find I want to know what's going to happen at grandma's house.

Davalyn Spencer said...

It needs some basic editing, but it did capture my interest. The premise of siblings spending the summer where they don't want to is one with which kids will relate.

Timothy Fish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Timothy Fish said...

I find that I’m more interested in the parents. By “interested” I mean that I’d like to smack them upside the head a few times. I mean, what kind of parents flippantly go off on a three-month trip and leave a 9 and a 10 year old with someone they haven’t seen in six years. Three-months is a very long time for a 10 year old. That’s not to mention that there’s something wrong with people who want nothing to do with their parents for six years, but as soon as they need a babysitter they come crying. Probably not for 7-11 year olds, but Mom and Dad are certainly the more interesting characters in this bunch, just because they’re so messed up.

Sharon A. Lavy said...

Okay, I will have to add that it did not add up that if it was a quick trip the kids could go, but on a longer one they could not.
As the mother of missionaries this is not how my own kids do. So that part did not ring true. There has to be a more compelling reason for them to be left behind.

However I think there is something in store for the kids at the grandparents house and I am still curious to see what it is.

Jeanette Levellie said...

Needs a bit of copy editing, but I do want to find out what happens at Grandma's! I would read on. Better yet, I'm sure my nine-year-old granddaughter would read on.

Lisa M Buske said...

I would read more to find out what happens while they are at their grandparents home. It is only chapter one so I figure there has to be something exciting and unexpected coming.

My thirteen year old liked it too.

Lisa M. Buske

Katherine Hyde said...

Neither the writing style nor the situation grabs me. The writing seems flat and the situation cliché. I would not read on.

Linda Glaz said...

Way to go, and congrats to Eddie, author last week. Huge congrats. To this one, one of my pet peeves is reading the same word over and over. So, even though I knew something cute was coming, I couldn't get past the words:
go going go go go go. Once I see the same word a couple times and then I see again, I want to suggest some alternatives. I do want to find out, however, what happens when the kids GO to grandma's...

Timothy Fish said...

I see nothing wrong with where I think this story is going, I just think it starts too soon. The major conflict should be between Grandma and the kids, so I would like to see the story begin when they arrive at Grandma's house. It wouldn't hurt to leave the parents out of the story completely. The author might want to study the book Holes. It is an excellent example of this plot in a different setting.