Wednesday, January 18, 2012

First Pages Would You Read On? hosted by Diana Flegal

The New Year has begun and many authors spent their holiday 'off time' writing, editing and rewriting their WIP. (Work in progress)

If you would like to have your First Page reviewed here some Weds, please submit it to Place First Page Submission in the subject line of your email.

Please keep in mind we do not want material that would conflict with the Christian Worldview but will entertain, wholesome general market first pages as well as material for the Inspirational markets. We are open to nonfiction submissions as well.

Would you read on?:

At a quarter past six on the twelfth of August in Alexandria, Virginia, Kate Winston unlocked her brownstone condo in Old Town and disarmed the security alarm. With her hip she bumped open the door and stepped into the foyer. The sweltering humidity and endless hours on her feet at the mall had zapped the bounce from Kate’s auburn bangs, leaving her drained, cranky, and (now) careless. She tossed her keys into the porcelain bowl nestled on the antique credenza and began sorting mail. Had she lifted her eyes she would have seen the man’s reflection in the hallway mirror. But she did not. Instead, Kate ripped open an envelope and scanned her credit card statement.

A second later the man pounced, driving Kate into the credenza and sending the antique crockery crashing onto the Persian rug: the one she’d purchased for ten rubles at an outdoor bizarre in Islamabad. Clamping a sweaty forearm across her throat he pressed himself against Kate and growled, “Relax, sister. This’ll be fun.” But there was nothing fun about the way his hand roamed over her hip, across her skirt and down the outside of her thigh. Wiggling her right leg free, Kate lifted her foot and brought it down hard, grinding the heel of her shoe into the top of his barefoot. The assailant screamed, relaxing his grip. Not for long, but enough that Kate was able to reach inside her purse.

In a single fluid motion she whirled and fired.

The pair of silver hooks exploded from the stun gun, embedding themselves into the man’s black tee shirt and sending a rush of voltage surging through the wires. The man’s wiry body stiffened and for a few seconds he bounced on his heels, his hands twitching. Then Kate released the trigger and the attacker collapsed into a heap at her feet.


Anonymous said...


Jean Ann Williams said...

Yes, I would read on. I like this opening very much! I want to know what happens next. The only line I felt was reader feeder was this: "the one she'd bought for ten rubles at an outdoor bizarre in Islamabad."

That little extra in the line, took me out of the story. Otherwise, great job writer!!!

Jeanette Levellie said...

No, I would not. Too heavy for my taste.

I agree with Jean Ann on the phrase about where she bought the rug. It breaks the flow of the story.

Andy Scheer said...

POV! While being attacked, is she really thinking where and how much she paid for a rug?

And "barefoot" is an adjective.

Next, please.

Timothy Fish said...

At a quarter to four on the January eighteen in the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, no, I would not read on.

Katherine Hyde said...

This is not a genre I care for, but if it were, I would probably read on.

Linda Glaz said...

I'm trying to figure out why he didn't have shoes on. And you all know I don't like characters growling, leave that to the pit bulls, but if it were tightened, it might be a nice opening. Yeah, lose the rug thing too. But mostly the author intrusion with the
If she had looked in the mirror part. Don't pull us out of the woman's pov. Okay, so I'm having a cranky day! And that's not because I lost the bounce in my hair! Lemme read more first!

Timothy Fish said...

I enjoy the omniscient point of view, when it is done well, but it isn't done well here.

Though the erotic nature of the scene alone would be a turnoff for me, from an academic point of view, it would help the scene if the battery in the stun gun died. As is, the attacker comes across as weak.

Sarah Thomas said...

I don't know Kate well enough to feel really engaged. I feel like I SHOULD care, but I kind of don't. Maybe instead of giving us the date, the author could give us something about Kate that would make her more relatable . . .

I like the unexpectedness of the stun gun and the ensuing description. I thought she was just going to shoot him with a regular gun!