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Today's First Page submission is an adult fantasy. Let us know in the comments below if you would read on or not.
Part 1
Epoch of Lord Abador – 19 Cida to 11 Fenad, 4702
The Other Worlder will instigate the end of the Epoch of Lord Abador either as Efrathah's staunchest defender or its most eminent foe.
- from Rutad Jardan's Summations
Chapter I—The Fall
On the basketball court, Jim Thompson expected trash talk. Here in his parents' beach-side condo, not so much.
Kent Tanner, the jet-setting owner of the place next door, crossed his arms over his puffed-out chest. "It's better you got cut, Jim. Now you can settle down and get a real job. Only exceptional athletes make it big in the NBA."
The guy's jab landed, just north of Jim’s own fears. He waggled his head back and forth the way that Denver Broncos wide receiver used to do when he popped to his feet after taking a ferocious hit. No way would Jim let Tanner know his cheap shot stung. The burble of conversation from the other guests swirled around them, peaking with an explosion of laughter from a bunch of college kids nearby. Friends of his sister, no doubt. When their voices died down, Jim eased back a step and parroted what he’d been telling his fans since his surgery. "I appreciate your concern, Kent, but this is only a temporary setback. I'm not done with basketball yet."
"Trust me on this, kiddo, you don't want to be one of those players bouncing from team to team, earning next to nothing. There's no future in it."
"I’ll keep that in mind." Jim flashed his photo-op smile, the best way to slam the door on the discussion. He couldn't listen to any more dreary predictions about his career. No matter what Tanner or anybody else said, he wasn't washed up. He could still play. All he needed was a chance to prove it.
Last weeks author submission was from author Cheryl Malandrinos.
You can learn more about Cheryl at one of her many online spots listed here.
Cheryl C. Malandrinos
8 comments:
The opening lines didn't match the scenario. I was waiting for a furturist setting. That is not a bad thing, now I want to know what is going on. The were several long sentences which made the story drag for me. I would be interested in seeing where this story goes.
Because I didn't understand the preface at all and because I'm not interested in sports, I'd say no. The fate of an injured athlete is not compelling enough for me to be hooked. Men may like it, though.
I agree with jubileewriter. The heading indicated one thing and then the opening changes the tone into sports novel. I would have to know where the author intends to go with this before I would continue reading.
I agree with the others. This might be one of those cases where a prologue is needed.
I got the idea the author is a man, but the word "Kiddo" threw me. Would a guy really use that term for another guy? Just curious.
Well, it is a fantasy-sports story. Not entirely my thing, but I'm interested in Jim's determination. The quote and chapter's beg seeming conflict/time period did stop me, but I can overlook that because I realized it is fantasy and somehow soon the author, hopefully, will let us see it. I don't have to know in the first page how, but very soon. I really like the determination! :)
I couldn't agree more, Sandra. Doesn't matter if the author is male or female, the speaker was male and therefore kiddo is not a word a man uses to another man, young or not. Maybe to a toddler, but even then, it's usually a female word. I had trouble seeing the fantasy in it too. Maybe it's coming soon???
I would keep reading.
The opening dates and prophecy from a foreign place were a little confusing, but I'm with Caroline--I trust that I'll get the answer down the line.
I liked the conflict between the basketball player and his next-door neighbor.
I like the main character's voice in this one, and I like a couple of the lines in particular. The writing is very polished, so I would for sure read on to see if the story was going to take me in an interesting direction.
The only thing I'd nitpick on is this line:
He waggled his head back and forth the way that Denver Broncos wide receiver used to do when he popped to his feet after taking a ferocious hit.
It feels too long. Wouldn't the basketball player know the name of the guy who plays for the Broncos? And if not, would he say Denver Broncos or just Broncos? Maybe even cut more of it.
He waggled his head the way Decker used to do after a ferocious hit.
That gives less info and I, not being a sports fan, would have no idea who Decker was (I'd think he was a basketball player), but it's easier to read and it gets the same point across without slowing me down with too much info.
But that's all I found to complain about. This is a clean first page. I do agree that "kiddo" could be changed to good effect, now that others have pointed it out. I didn't notice it when I read the page.
I like the writer's verbs, so I'd keep reading to see what was coming next. However, I'm not a fantasy fan, so I might not stick with it.
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