Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Would You Read On? hosted by Diana Flegal

Welcome to our Wednesday edition of Would You Read On?. We appreciate you taking time out of your busy day to stop by our blog. Kindly comment if you would read on or not. Last week’s contributing author is revealed below this first page.

The following First Page is a YA novel:

Chapter 1:

The problem was that he was 'hot' and I was not. So he got all the girls and I got, well, mostly myself, which was not that great a thing. That was the general run of our lives, and the way it was on that pivotal afternoon. He, Brandon Burke, with his perfect hair and Brad Pitt looks, was sitting in the corner booth at our local Micky D’s with out-of-my-league Alison, her shadow Erika, and some other celestial being.

Me, I was with my ace Snort, which was also not that great a thing.

“Hey Jake,” croaked Snort, “who’s that tasty morsel over there by Ally?”

“Don’t know and don’t care,” I grunted, trying to convince myself.

“Yeah, right. I can tell by the way your tongue’s hanging out.”

“Shut up Snort.”

He couldn’t leave well enough alone. “Just look at her, Jake. She’s hotter than Seven of Nine.”

It was becoming increasingly clear that Snort’s addiction Star Trek Voyager reruns had something to do with Jeri Ryan’s catsuit. “Maybe,” I replied, reluctantly joining his juvenile game, “but she can’t touch Lara Croft.”

He lifted his nose. “Lara Croft doesn’t count. She’s a cartoon.”

“And Seven isn’t? Besides, what about the Angelina Jolie flick?”

“Point taken.”

I could tell Snort still expected me to concede that this girl was better looking than either the ex-Borg or the Tomb Raider. No way I’d do it, but she still was, especially the way she was dressed that afternoon. That off-the-shoulder thing was always killer, particularly on girls with creamy skin, pouty lips, and eyes like aquamarines.

Cornered, I adopted a pompous tone. “You shouldn’t objectify women, Snort. It’s dehumanizing.”

His eyes went to the floor. “Can’t help it. It’s genetic. I have a Y chromosome.”

Would you read on?

Last weeks contributor was JC Lamont. You can find out more about JC on her face book page or visiting her at her blog.


Timothy Fish said...

There is conflict. That is a good thing, but no, I would not read on. The whole thing strikes me as chick-lit for guys. Take the first sentence, for example. I don’t know of any guys who would refer to another guy as “hot”. If they do, they’re talking about their basketball game, not how they look. Then there is all the name dropping, with Brad Pitt, Micky D, Seven of Nine, Jeri Ryan, Lara Croft, and Angelina Jolie. Aren’t all of these kind of old to be mentioning in a YA novel? There’s also a lot of talk about clothes.

I don’t see how this story can go anywhere. Whether Brandon Burke is more attractive than Jake or not, most guys would not see that as major issue of concern. Since a good story involves a reversal, the emphasis on clothes and hair here means Jake will have to become more attractive than Brandon. That is not how a guy would solve the problem.

Linda Glaz said...

Hmmmm, I have to agree with you a bit, Tim. Instead of the author using outdated names, it's outdated characters for this age group. I can see that. But I think one of the hardest things for writers to do is learn to write genders. I think of Brad Paisley's I'm Still a Guy! That's how a writer has to think when writing a different gender. We come from such diff directions and have to write the characters the same way. A man, unless he's Tiny Tim (dated myself there, didn't I?) doesn't go tiptoeing through the tulips or thinking of another guy as hot. Yeah, have to agree with you. But I do think with some changes it could be a lot stronger.

Cheryl said...

I'm on the fence. The banter between Snort and Jake is funny, but it seems tame by today's comparision of how guy's would talk. The references to Seven of Nine and Lara Croft also make it sound a bit dated. I can't think of any current show that would fit and I don't play a lot of video games, but I would go for something more modern.

I might read a bit more to see how it turns out.

Katherine Hyde said...

If I were an adolescent male, I might read on, although previous commenters are probably right about references sounding dated. But as a middle-aged woman, I don't want to be inside a teenaged boy's head when he's thinking about girls.