Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Would You Read On? by Diana Flegal

Welcome to the newest, Would You Read On? submission. Today's first page is a Fantasy title.

Aiden breathed in the crisp autumn air and the scent of dewed leaves as he glided on the back of his commonlear dragon. She smoothly and swiftly flew him to the meeting place where a test to transform the brotherhood of squires into knights soon would begin.

“The brotherhood” as they called it, was an impenetrable bond between the three boys. It was Samuel’s idea. When they were twelve years old, they were the only ones in the entire kingdom to begin squire training that year. From that time on, they were inseparable.

Aiden was the youngest by several months, yet many assumed he was the oldest—by at least a year. He had always been tall, muscular and mature for his age. He also had a competitive spirit, which helped ignite their bond. It was this competitive spirit that prompted Aiden to challenge Aeric and Samuel to make this more than a test. It had to be a race.

Sir Zachariah stood with one hand on his hip and the other hand shielding the rising sun from his eyes as his head tilted skyward toward the incoming squire, his face clearly indicating his eager anticipation of the arrival of the three boys. Zachariah’s long grey cloak and beard, the two almost matching in color, whisked in the breeze as Lucy soared gracefully into the landing, grounding her rider close to the other commonlear, Cameron, and his squire, Aeric.

“Good to see you,” Zachariah greeted with a warm smile.

“Good morning, Sir Zachariah,” Aiden said. “Good to see you, too.” Aeric walked over with his arms folded and head cocked.

“Still up to the challenge?” He asked with a bold smirk.

“Of course,” Aiden replied with buoyancy as he dismounted Lucy.

“Good,” Aeric said. “You know, we haven’t discussed what the loser will owe the winner. How about good old fashioned humiliation?”

Would you read on?

Last weeks First page generated a lot of discussion and I must confess I left off the introduction. I will not do that again, I feel I did a disservice to the authors first page. The book, Your 100 Day Prayer is scheduled for release September 15th by Thomas Nelson Publishers. It is authored by John I Snyder. I do hope you will check it out further.

Happy reading!


Jeanette Levellie said...

Is Aiden a male or female? In the first paragraph, it says "she," implying Aiden is a female. Later on, it says "he is the youngest." I'm confused.

Between that and the overly long sentences, I would pass on this one. Sorry!

Melissa K Norris said...

I have no idea of any conflict yet, or problem. We know a challenge is coming, but we have know idea why it's important or how the outcome would affect the main character. Plus, there's too many characters introduced at once. I think that's why we became confused as to who is who.

Davalyn Spencer said...

I do not read fantasy, so my comments may be out of line. However, as a general reader, I would like to see tighter writing with fewer descriptive phrases. And I'm guessing that "she" is referring to the dragon.

I enjoy your Wednesday posts; they encourage me to read with a constructively critical eye.

Katherine Hyde said...

I would not read on. This page has a lot of telling and backstory, and there's no indication that the story is going to be particularly original or compelling.

Valerie Comer said...

I love fantasy and would like to like this entry, but I'd pass. There's too much telling for me, with little to show me why I should care what's going on.

Sharon A. Lavy said...

I don't read much fantasy, but I would continue to read this because the kid is plucky. And because the names are not so weird that I can't keep them straight.

I want to see these boys succeed. And I want to know what they would consider old fashioned humiliation.