An hour after I edited an article by
novelist Brandilyn Collins about using what she called “compression,”
my lunchtime reading brought me an example of its effectiveness.
Collins advocated not merely writing
that was lean, but writing built around words that evoke specific
images and carry strong connotations.
Rather than have a character sit
in a chair, Collins says, show the character's attitude by having her
slouch or perch.
The right verb eliminates the need for a sentence telling about the
character's attitude.
Time
for lunch. I opened to page 181 of William Dietrich's light
historical adventure The Barbed Crown.
As mortar between two scenes leading up to Napoleon’s coronation as
emperor, Dietrich supplied this bit of exposition of a Paris
street scene:
Commoners buzzed like an
agitated hive. People sensed that history had turned a page and
something glorious and terrible was about to be commemorated. They
would tell their neighbors, in the momentous years to come, that
they’d witnessed the beginning. Hawkers sold coffee and rolls.
Enterprising merchants nearby charged two francs to use their
privies. The most tireless prostitutes assembled, at nine in the
morning, under paper Chinese lanterns strung along an arcade, to
advertise their wares. Farmers from the countryside gawked.
Nouns
Considering
Collins's advices about compression, I dissected that paragraph. Take
a look at Dietrich's use of
nouns.
Commoners
buzzed like an agitated hive.
People sensed that history
had turned a page and something glorious and terrible was about to be
commemorated. They would tell their neighbors, in the momentous
years to come, that they’d witnessed the beginning. Hawkers
sold coffee and rolls.
Enterprising merchants
nearby charged two francs to
use their privies. The most
tireless prostitutes
assembled, at nine in the morning, under paper
Chinese lanterns strung along an arcade,
to advertise their wares. Farmers
from the countryside gawked.
Verbs
Now
look at his verbs.
Commoners buzzed
like an agitated hive. People sensed
that history had turned a page and something glorious and terrible
was about to be commemorated.
They would tell their
neighbors, in the momentous years to come, that they’d witnessed
the beginning. Hawkers sold
coffee and rolls. Enterprising merchants nearby charged
two francs to use their privies. The most tireless prostitutes
assembled, at nine in the
morning, under paper Chinese lanterns strung along an arcade, to
advertise their wares.
Farmers from the countryside gawked.
Phrases
Finally,
his phrases.
Commoners buzzed like
an agitated hive. People sensed that history had turned a page
and something glorious and terrible
was about to be commemorated. They would tell their neighbors, in the
momentous years to come,
that they’d witnessed the beginning. Hawkers sold coffee and rolls.
Enterprising merchants nearby charged two francs to use their
privies. The most tireless prostitutes assembled, at nine in the
morning, under paper Chinese
lanterns strung
along an arcade, to advertise their wares. Farmers from
the countryside gawked.
All this in a paragraph of exposition.
No wonder he's had readers follow the adventures of Ethan Gage
through six hardcover releases.
