tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post5009706434850756764..comments2023-11-02T05:29:57.954-04:00Comments on From the Heart: First Pages Would You Read On? hosted by Diana FlegalAndy Scheer, Hartline Literaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09010440105558099014noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-1460843841761785902011-12-15T19:41:06.789-05:002011-12-15T19:41:06.789-05:00Have to agree with Timothy, that paragraph reads l...Have to agree with Timothy, that paragraph reads like a laundry list of ER emergencies. But I love openings with dialogue as long as they jump right into what's happening.Linda Glazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04374683352435771715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-83046366148753488842011-12-15T09:51:38.637-05:002011-12-15T09:51:38.637-05:00If the paragraphing were corrected, I might read o...If the paragraphing were corrected, I might read on. If not, if left as is, it's difficult to follow the dialog. Plus, I personally prefer stories that don't abruptly open with dialog. I like knowing where "I am" as the story begins. Some good editing advice above. . . Christmas Advent blessings! :-)Millie Samuelsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00448444518496748872noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-72686540815482149632011-12-15T08:49:27.555-05:002011-12-15T08:49:27.555-05:00I've got no problem with a book beginning with...I've got no problem with a book beginning with dialog. But here, the dialog seems like it is coming from the narrator rather than one of the visible characters. "What kind of person voluntarily dive iving thirty-three degree water in the middle of winter?" is a mouthful that seems better suited for written English than spoken English. It is a stretch to read that line aloud without pausing to take a breath.Timothy Fishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06554064732811895577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-3463314140968386972011-12-14T18:13:17.374-05:002011-12-14T18:13:17.374-05:00I would definitely read on. Like Aleni, I want to ...I would definitely read on. Like Aleni, I want to know why this guy would do such a thing. Someone evil run him off the road? Rescuing someone? If it's a suicide attempt, I probably wouldn't read on once I found that out.<br /><br />I think it would be very natural for the nurses to talk with each like this, speculate, joke, etc.<br /><br />However, you could make Aleni more concerned. She would need to know exactly what happened so the MD could treat him properly (call the psych, call the police, find out why he suddenly went dizzy, etc.) You could add a touch of backstory to ensure that that she doesn't come across as heartless. Maybe something like this: <br /><br />"She didn't have time to play nice when someone intentionally put themselves in jeopardy. Her mind suddenly filled with thoughts of her husband, but she pushed them back."<br /><br />MY ONLY COMPLAINT: <br /><br />"The pathetic stab at humor brought another eye roll from Aleni, who didn’t have time to play nice when people intentionally put themselves in jeopardy." This sentence is in the second nurse's POV. Since Aleni is the scene's POV character, it should read, "Aleni again rolled her eyes at the pathetic stab at humor. She didn't have time to play nice when people intentionally put themselves in jeopardy."<br /><br />Blessings,<br />VoniAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-57944201042191501442011-12-14T12:47:22.754-05:002011-12-14T12:47:22.754-05:00I prefer dialogue too. If you think of it as a pla...I prefer dialogue too. If you think of it as a play narration is an off stage announcer talking to the audience while the actors wait to deliver their lines. I like for the actors to get me involved immediately, then let the narrator fill in as it goes.Terry Burnshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14526255183090554401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-58303172446339815062011-12-14T12:44:31.941-05:002011-12-14T12:44:31.941-05:00For me- I can see the movie rolling...For me- I can see the movie rolling...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-28670004696460702932011-12-14T12:41:49.079-05:002011-12-14T12:41:49.079-05:00Aren't we funny in our preferences? I like dia...Aren't we funny in our preferences? I like dialogue in the first paragraph; it pulls me into the MC's outlook. <br /><br />Perhaps becuase I'm a talker? Don't answer that.Jeanette Levelliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12898750484193832082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-51067678930956221662011-12-14T12:26:48.504-05:002011-12-14T12:26:48.504-05:00I'm not crazy about jumping into dialogue like...I'm not crazy about jumping into dialogue like this. I probably wouldn't read on.Katherine Hydehttp://kbhyde.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-28460011358137502722011-12-14T11:49:37.606-05:002011-12-14T11:49:37.606-05:00Giggle. I have already read the book, so obviously...Giggle. I have already read the book, so obviously I would read on. =)Story and Logic Media Grouphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13317731231950753140noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-91819713721639410112011-12-14T08:57:02.172-05:002011-12-14T08:57:02.172-05:00Yes - but I agree with Jeanette. Little less narra...Yes - but I agree with Jeanette. Little less narrating.Kathryn Elliotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16112741861843306231noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-54324334164511608842011-12-14T08:46:50.820-05:002011-12-14T08:46:50.820-05:00Oops--I mean nurse, not nurse.Oops--I mean nurse, not nurse.Jeanette Levelliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12898750484193832082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-19315193330530568122011-12-14T08:46:09.680-05:002011-12-14T08:46:09.680-05:00Yes, I would. I want to discover what happens to t...Yes, I would. I want to discover what happens to the guy, and how he and the nurse get together in the end, which I assume is how the story will finish. <br /><br />The one thing I'd change is narrating via dialogue. The other nurese already knows everything the first nurse is telling her, so this kind of narration comes across as a bit contrived. <br /><br />But I like the story and characters so far, and it's a good opening hook. Keep writing, whomever you are!Jeanette Levelliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12898750484193832082noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2443765296489868573.post-20631716802109018352011-12-14T07:35:41.593-05:002011-12-14T07:35:41.593-05:00No, I would not. I think the big thing is that it ...No, I would not. I think the big thing is that it comes across as preachy. It seems like the author is on a soapbox about people putting themselves in danger. Rather than attempting to persuade us, the author rails on people who put themselves in harm’s way.<br /><br />In addition, it isn’t a particularly interesting scene. It is essentially two women shooting the breeze at work. Go to any workplace and you’ll find people doing that.Timothy Fishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06554064732811895577noreply@blogger.com