Today's submission is a Speculative Fiction page:
Prologue
Where could he be? The little girl, her chubby legs
aching from climbing the attic stairs called out, desperate to find him “Puppy?
Puppy!” The steps leading up to the top
floor were steep. From outside, the noise of sirens and screaming reached her
ears. Maybe she could get Mommy to help her. The sound of whimpering caught her
attention. She looked up. “Puppy!”
He trembled as he sat at the top of the stairs. His
young owner climbed the last few steps and gathered the quivering pet in her
arms. She turned to go back down but the heavy smoke swirled upward to surround
them. They were trapped.
“Little girl.” A fireman stepped through the heavy
gray vapor. She knew he was a fireman because of his bright red hat.
“I
can’t get out,” she whimpered, backing up to the window, her puppy whining,
wiggling in her arms.
The
fireman bent down on one knee, reaching out to stroke the little canine’s ears.
“I need you to do something for me little one, alright? I’m going to pick you
up. You hold on tight to your puppy. When I let you out the window, I want you
to close your eyes. Will you do that for me?”
She
nodded.
“Okay, here we go.” In one quick swoop, her
rescuer picked her up, leaned out the window and released his hold. She watched
her parents looking up; their mouths open wide as they screamed.
Whomp!
Puppy remained safely in her arms while they bounced a couple of times on the
large round circle the firemen held. Her sobbing parents rushed in, grabbing
them both.
“Get
back, get back!” The fire chief, his face sweaty and streaked with soot, called
out the warning through the megaphone he held up to his lips.
The
deafening inferno behind them, screams mingled among those racing to get out of
the way to safety across the street, turning just in time to witness the
complete destruction of the three story wooden home caving in upon itself, the
fire greedily consuming every inch. Noone noticed the darkly clad hooded figure
standing off to the side, watching,
The
little girl wiggled for her father to let her down. Placing the puppy on the
ground, she stood back up and tugged on her daddy’s pant leg, pointing at the
burning charred remains. “Fireman.”
Would you read on?
Last weeks Sci Fi first page submission was from author Lynn Donovan. You can touch base with Lynn at her new blog, Sitting on the Porch with Lynn.
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10 comments:
I don't think I would read on. It
seems a little babyish with all the
"Puppy" and "Little girl." And the
parents with mouths wide open screaming made me want to scream.
It definitely needs some work.
I don't much care for being plunked straight into a crisis without being introduced to the characters first. Also, there are enough mechanical errors in this piece to discourage me. I would not read on.
I was all ready to say I would definitely keep reading because I thought there was great tension in the opening.
But after the little girl went out the window, things got confusing, I thought. There seemed to be a point of view shift, for one thing. And then there were confusing things. The charred remains of a fireman just appear on the ground? Or the building fell in such a way that his remains were thrown clear? But not enough time had passed for "charred remains" if this was the same fireman who tossed her out the window, so was this someone else? Then there was the father and mother running up but the captain shouting, Get back. Nevertheless, moments later they are holding the little girl. I thought for sure they were being told to get back so that EMTs could get to the girl.
In short, the last part seemed rushed and unrealistic, I'm afraid. In spite of the strong beginning, I might not keep reading.
Becky
I would definitely read on. I love being in the little girl's point of view for most of it (though "the deafening inferno" paragraph threw me some). For myself, seeing everything through the little girl's eyes gave a scary scene (and a creepy ending) a "safe" feeling. But, that's just a personal opinion--I'm not a scary, thriller lover! I need to know the good guys will win :)
I would continue on! Love the jump straight to action, with the hints of something lurking in the wings. Will be impatiently waiting.
Some long sentences and a bit of confusion in the narrative, but I would read on. I'd like to know who the hooded figure is on the sidelines, and why he's looking on.
But can we give the girl and her puppy a name? That would endear them more to me.
I'm afraid I have to say I would probably not read on. I agree that the viewpoint seems to shift, and the mechanical errors do distract. For example, sentence #2 is missing the period. The 2nd to last paragraph ends with a comma, not a period. A space is missing in "Noone," and in general it seems best not to mention things that do not happen (no one noticed).
By the way, nowadays I see more yellow and black firefighter helmets than red ones, but that's a minor point. If the flaws were fixed, though, I'd be more likely to read on.
I would give it more of a chance than one page. Maybe the beginning was meant to be confusing because it WAS confusing to the child. But I would not continue to read on if it continued to be confusing.
I'm sorry to say I wouldn't read on. The first page feels a little hard to get into. I guess I didn't feel grounded. I didn't know there was a fire but if there was, I would think it would be hard for the little girl to breathe at the very beginning. I guess I didn't feel the tension or situation strongly enough to believe the crisis. Perhaps if I'd read the back cover first then I might read on if I knew what the story was going to be about. Thank you to the author for offering the first page and giving us the honor of leaving our opinions. :-)
I guess I'm with the "I would" crowd. I don't find it confusing. I like the fresh idea of coming to it through the child's eyes, an I assume that is just the beginning and it will shift to an adult POV after this intro. I love being plunked into action first and then finding out who the people are. It gets you going into the story. I already care about her and mourn for the fireman. Of course it needs some technical work. Things usually do. And I think the charring remains are the building, not the fireman.
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